CLEVELAND — Look, guys, let’s be honest: It’s very dark. Hopefully, you didn’t watch yesterday’s Cleveland Browns game because you were hiking in the Metroparks with your family or playing with dogs, or really anything else, but just to summarize: they turned the ball over 6 times. Nick Chubb broke his foot. We benched our backup QB for throwing too many interceptions to call on our third QB, who immediately threw an interception.
These guys are only playing because of yet another season-ending injury suffered by our problematic and underperforming quarterback who is still under contract to linger for the next two years, haunting the Berea facility like a $230 million Phantom of the Opera.
One could argue that this is indeed the darkest moment in Browns fan history. Sure, season 0 and 16 were unpleasant, but they weren’t. Hell, we even had a parade.
At the time, there was still some hope for the future for several reasons: At the time, we weren’t in salary cap hell. At the time, the country still sympathized with our plight. We were the lovable underdog fanbase rather than the morally compromised franchise that lost its way and got what it deserved.
At the time, the Haslam regime was also still relatively new and therefore deserved our patience and time to try to turn around our notoriously unhappy organization. But now they have had time and we have seen the results.
And unlike back then, we’re not intentionally trying to win a draft position this year, it just comes naturally to us. As you may recall, we were pretty good last year. This year, not as much. But it’s thinking about next year that really gets us down.
If you combine our unfortunate salary cap situation with our ownership group’s now well-established inability to effectively solve problems, it’s easy to see why so many Browns fans are in a new type of funk right now.
I’ve spent my entire life as an irrational Browns optimist. You’d be amazed what I’ve been able to convince myself over the years. At one point, I think I said that Derrick Anderson “could be OUR Joe Montana.” But even my crazy closet is empty right now.
The Browns currently don’t have the money to overpay established players, nor the scouting ability to magically address their many needs in the draft. So it’s hard to conceive of steps that could be taken or circumstances that could arise outside of luck or providence that could help turn this team around by next year.
And that’s the dark thought. Browns fans are notoriously optimistic. The fact that even WE can’t think of a way to PRESENT that we could be good next year illustrates just how low of a time this is.
That said, even if they can’t put a good product on the field, I think there are several ways Browns ownership could immediately improve their standing with fans, to ensure that when the team eventually is competitive. once again, there will still be people in the stands.
Number one: Immediately announce that no matter how or where this happens, the Browns and Haslam Group will pay for the entire stadium project themselves, without help from taxpayers.
I know this may sound horrible to you, Mr. Haslam. The whole idea of subsidizing your own company’s infrastructure is hugely profitable, but I think you’d be SHOCKED at how much goodwill it would earn you.
I’m talking “all is forgiven”, “Atta Boy Jimmy”, “Maybe Johnny Manziel wasn’t such a bad choice after all” levels of goodwill. And it’s yours to take.
And number two: rightfully so: end the promotion with Dude Wipes. Look, nothing against Dude Wipes or flushable wipe products as a whole, although in all honesty the Northeast Ohio Sewer District is not a fan and we respect their authority.
Regardless, if you own what is widely considered one of the shittiest franchises in professional sports, common sense suggests that partnering with a Mens Wipe company would not be prudent. It’s not even that it’s disgusting, it’s just tone deaf. So why would you put your team and your fans in a situation where… oh right.
Oh good. This season has been on the shelf for months now. Three more weeks to go around the bowl. Hold on, Browns fans. And here we go for the Cavs!
